ORPHAN OF THE HOLIDAYS

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ORPHAN OF THE HOLIDAYS

Tuesday

December 4, 2012

 

            Proven it is that the whole affair with “mistress literature and movies” has gotten into my head. I have had my brushes with married and committed men in the past but the intensity of these affairs has ballooned out of proportion and intensified this time, not because I am desperate or because I twitching at the thought of the disproportionate ratio of men to women but because I am exploring more of my sexuality. I discovered, as of recent, that I easily get tired or bored of the same things and in contrast to my persona; my sexuality could be best exemplified as “hedonistic”. It is also to satisfy my wisdom which could be best derived from experience, I had to experience these “affairs” to get on the twilight zone and again further the unquenchable thirst for knowledge and expansion of my artistic license to such shenanigans. My pursuit of these pleasures may be out of a good line of reasoning but being an exemplary citizen, a straight-A student, a model employee, a human rights fighter, an intellectual and academic concerned with the matters of this world and its betterment, I need a little more zest to my life and I find it in none other of my activities, only in men. Womanizers would often say “I like women”, well being the alpha woman, I would say the same thing, I LIKE MEN (just like everyone, women at that, does). Irrational pursuits and mind-boggling means of achieving hedonistic pleasures – this is the only complication my life has right now, I have let go of my existential issues for this.

 

            It is the failure of the last two affairs that I have had that pushes me to write this. The failure is not something I did not expect, in fact, I expected it so much that it came in too early, at the hype of the relationship. It was bound to end just as our lives are bound to cease at one point. It is my truth. And just like any other failed relationship and mishap in my life, I faced the music, faced it with grace, strength and optimism. I hurt. I wronged. I have no excuse. I apologize. I repent.

 

But… there is no assurance I would not do it again…

           

Having become a mistress myself, I would glean from my experience and would attest to what other mistresses have said and wrote on the matter esp. that of Ms. Jullie Yap – Daza. Heck. These things are even giving media moguls millions in profit because it is realistic and true, another one of those trivialities that would make you ask if art imitates life or life imitates art. Let me tell you the story of how I became one…

 

A real mistress would never know she is one on the onset, even now I cannot even admit it to myself fully that I was a mistress because when you are in that situation you feel like you are the only one esp. when you get really close and comfortable to your partner. My partner, who we will hide in the name “Robin”, is truly an Adonis of a man. He is of towering height, perfectly fair and supple skin, handsome, Caucasian features, and smart, has a knack of cracking good jokes, and is excessively talented. He is an actor and just the right age, the first of his kind that I dated. Anywhere we go to, people stare at us – we look so good together, many would comment and commend. We were a good match in every sense of the word. Of course, you cannot have everything… the man is married with two beautiful kids. But we spent a great deal of our day together, we frolic in the afternoon sunshine together, he takes me home, brings me out, he’s there when I need him, he does everything for me and gives me everything I need – he’s what I need in a partner and more… I am so comfortable with Robin that he is aware of all my quirks, imperfections and has a multi-dimensional idea of who I am and how I run my life. He adores me, compliments me and believes in me – I can tell. He’s the first person I saw poring over my blog, his face was nearly touching the computer screen and he references my writing even as we converse with other people. He even asked me to feature him. Well, here you are Robin Hood. He is the first fan of my blog.

 

 I am fully guarding my heart when I am with him because I don’t want to fall HOH with him, I would breach the Family Code, and many would fall victim if I become selfish. We got caught several times, in fact, I am even civil with his wife even when we exchange SMSs. That is how mature our whole affair is. Even up to the point after his wife found out and we got scrutiny from the public, that point when it was supposed to end, we still continued being with each other. We still spend a lot of time together, watch movies together, drive around the city together, laugh a lot, hang out with our friends  and maybe instead of ending the relationship, we let it simmer down to a good friendship because we are that close.

 

            Why, you may ask, do I call it a failed relationship on the onset of this I am writing? First of all, it is doomed to failure given the constraints we are bound with; my moral compass would not supply me with enough willpower or guts to totally destroy his marriage. It’s a plane or a rocket that would never take off. This is why it is failed. There would come a time that we would have to completely stop seeing each other… That we would move forward in our lives. I fear that day because I grew close enough to him to form attachments that I know no one could compensate for when he would not be around in my life anymore. I would have to abandon the old feelings I felt for him because his kids would grow, he would soon man up and nurture his family and marriage, he would forget about me in the coming years. Robin fell for me because I am a self-assured and I do not need a man in my life, I am unlike most women who marries a man or is with a man and makes her whole life and being depend on that man, I could dispose of him and he could dispose of me without causing too much a ruckus. But with Robin, I may not cause too much drama or much of a noise when it is time for us to finally cut the strings, but I would cry secretly for him. Robin is one of the people who made me saunter perfectly in the Manila heat and move on from my past all smiles, he never failed to make me laugh my heart out and always made me feel that warm protected feeling when he puts his arms around me. When I need a man to carry my bags to the bus terminal, to fetch me, to be with me, to make me feel lonely on Christmas day, he is there to carry my bags, to laugh with me in the car, be crazy with me and give me a small gift that would remind me that I am loved by him, somehow…

 

            A mistress is there to put a marriage to ashes completely or be the tool for that marriage to be fixed – maybe it was my role in Robin’s life to fix his marriage, to be the bridge for him to enjoy domestic happiness. I wish him well. I wish to have him as a constant in my life, even if I know that that can never be, and that with Robin, I would have no one to celebrate the holidays with, no one to spend the longer weekends and cook holiday dinner for… Christmas, New Year, Valentines, birthdays… they would all pass lonely and myself being an orphan of the holidays if we remain together…

 

            Any relationship where you are the mistress is bound to be a tragedy – maybe not for yourself but for the family you destroyed. Be mindful of your choices, if you are one who can relate to this entry. This is my story. It is truly sad. It is me going with the bandwagon of mistress stories, which is not a good trend media injected in the minds of its consumers esp. the younger ones.  And to tell you honestly, I am caught between thinking it is just a trend or the dilemma of art imitating life or vice versa because I know not of when I am to curtail these affairs. Am I ever? Is there still a man out there for me given the ratio of four women is to one man? 

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